How to stop sounding desperate in your DM follow-up messages
The 3 shifts that separate strategic persistence from brute force harassment
You’re in the TSA PreCheck line at 6:45 AM, half-awake, and the guy in front of you is having a complete meltdown.
“I fly every week!” he’s shouting at the agent. “Every. Single. Week. I know the rules!”
The agent, unbothered, points at his carry-on. “Sir, you have a full water bottle.”
“It’s SEALED! Factory sealed! I just bought it!”
“Still over 3.4 ounces.”
He’s getting louder now. “Do you know how many times I’ve flown? Do you? I’ve been PreCheck for SEVEN YEARS and nobody has EVER…”
The agent’s face doesn’t change. “You can throw it away or go back through regular security. Your choice.”
Everyone in line is staring.
The guy’s face is red.
His voice is echoing through the terminal.
And absolutely nothing is changing.
Finally, he grabs the water bottle, storms to the trash can, slams it in, and stomps through the scanner muttering about how he’s “writing a letter to corporate.”
The line moves forward. You put your bag on the belt.
Twenty minutes later, you’re at your gate, scrolling your DMs.
That lead from last week still hasn’t responded. You’ve sent 4 messages.
Each one louder than the last… MORE value, MORE urgency, MORE proof.
Your finger hovers over the message box to send number 5.
You look up and realize… you’re the guy arguing about the water bottle.
No amount of volume changes the rules. No amount of insisting you’ve “done this before” makes the agent care. And no amount of getting louder makes your case stronger.
You were playing brute force in a strategic force game.
Today, I’m sharing the 3 fundamental shifts that transform your follow-up strategy from volume-driven pressure into permission-based progression.
• Why the mainstream “stay persistent” advice creates the exact ghosting you’re trying to avoid
• The permission infrastructure you’re skipping that makes every follow-up feel like harassment
• How to read silence strategically instead of responding to it desperately
Let’s fix your follow-up game…
3 SHIFTS THAT TRANSFORM YOUR DM FOLLOW-UP FROM BRUTE FORCE INTO STRATEGIC FORCE
Most coaches focus so much on what to say in their follow-ups that they forget to recognize if they’ve earned the right to follow up at all.
Here’s what actually separates strategic force from brute force:
1️⃣ FROM “How many touches?” TO “Have I earned the right?”
You’re scrolling through a coaching Facebook group at 10 PM on a Wednesday.
Someone just posted: “What’s the ideal number of follow-up messages before you give up on a lead?”
The comments flood in.
Seven touches. Ten touches. Twelve touches.
Someone links to a Salesforce study about B2B conversion rates. Another person shares their exact cadence down to the hour.
You screenshot 3 different follow-up sequences.
But here’s what nobody’s asking… does the lead actually want to hear from you again?
The brute force game treats follow-up as a numbers problem.
Send enough messages at the right intervals, and eventually something will land.
The strategic force game treats follow-up as a permission problem. Each message should only exist because the lead’s previous behavior gave you permission to send it.
❌ Before: “Hey Sarah! Just following up on my last message about your content strategy. I shared a framework that helps coaches like you get 3x more engagement. Did you get a chance to review it? Would love to hear your thoughts!”
✅ After: “Sarah, I noticed you viewed my Instagram story about the engagement framework twice yesterday. That specific piece about posting cadence usually clicks for people who are... [continues based on what she showed interest in]”
Here’s how to shift from volume to permission:
1️⃣ Track Behavioral Signals: Stop counting days since last message. Start tracking their actual actions,,, story views, link clicks, profile visits, content saves. Each action is permission data.
2️⃣ Build Permission Infrastructure: Your first several messages exist only to create permission for the next level. You’re not “following up,” you’re building the right to have deeper conversations.
3️⃣ Match Message Level to Permission Level: If they gave you Situation-level permission (basic info exchange), don’t send Belief-level messages (identity and values). You haven’t earned that depth yet.
Instead of treating Sarah like “lead number 47 who hasn’t responded to touch 3,” you spoke to her like “person who demonstrated specific interest in specific content.”
2️⃣ FROM “Follow up consistently” TO “Read silence strategically”
It’s Sunday afternoon and you’re batch-scheduling your follow-ups for the week.
You’ve got 23 leads who haven’t responded to your last message. Your calendar reminder says “follow up with non-responders” and you’re about to copy-paste a variation of “just wanted to make sure this didn’t get buried in your inbox...”
You stop mid-paste.
Reading it back, you cringe.
Because you know what this really says:
“I know you saw my message and chose not to respond, but I’m going to pretend you didn’t see it so I can message you again without acknowledging you’re avoiding me.”
The brute force approach treats all silence the same. The strategic force approach recognizes that silence has 5 different meanings, and each requires a completely different response.
❌ Before: “Hey Michael! Circling back on my previous message about your client acquisition system. I know you’re probably busy, but I think this could really help with the challenges you mentioned. Any thoughts?”
✅ After: [Strategic silence. Michael’s last three actions showed he’s still watching your content but isn’t ready to engage yet. Your next move is to create something so valuable he can’t help but respond organically, not to pressure him with another check-in.]
Here’s how to read and respond to silence:
1️⃣ Engaged Silence (They’re watching but not responding): Don’t message. Create content that speaks directly to where they’re stuck. Let them come to you when ready. This is high-permission silence.
2️⃣ Distracted Silence (Life happened, not avoidance): One low-pressure value drop after 7-10 days. “Thought of you when I saw this” with something genuinely useful. No ask.
3️⃣ Decision Silence (They’re considering): Give them space. Your next message should only arrive if they take a new action that signals renewed interest.
4️⃣ Not-Interested Silence (They’ve moved on): Respect it. Archive the conversation. You might reactivate in 90 days with completely fresh context, but not before.
5️⃣ Testing Silence (They’re measuring your reaction): The most dangerous type. Any follow-up that smells desperate confirms their suspicion that you need them more than they need you.
Instead of treating silence like a problem to solve with more messages, you started treating it like data that tells you exactly what to do next.
3️⃣ FROM “Template library” TO “Context accumulation”
It’s Tuesday morning and you’re staring at your Notion database of “proven DM templates.”
You’ve got templates for:
Follow-up #1 (value-based)
Follow-up #2 (curiosity-based)
Follow-up #3 (urgency-based)
The “breakup” message
The reactivation sequence
The “one last thing” approach
Your template library is comprehensive. Sophisticated.
And is also making every single message sound exactly like a template.
The brute force game collects templates. The strategic force game collects context.
❌ Before: “Hey Jennifer! I wanted to share one more thing that might help with your messaging challenges. I just created a quick training on the #1 mistake most coaches make in their DMs that kills response rates. Would you like me to send it over?”
✅ After: “Jennifer, you mentioned in our last conversation that your prospects go dark right after they ask about pricing. That usually means they can’t see the gap between where they are and where your program takes them. How do you usually present the transformation?”
Here’s how to shift from templates to context:
1️⃣ Capture Micro-Details: Every conversation drops breadcrumbs, specific words they use, problems they describe, timeline pressures they mention. These become your context ammunition.
2️⃣ Layer Context Progressively: Each message should reference something specific from a previous exchange. You’re building a conversation thread, not sending isolated broadcasts.
3️⃣ Use Context as Proof: When you reference their exact words, their specific situation, their particular timeline, you prove you’re having a real conversation. Templates can’t do this.
Your conversion rates improve dramatically simply because you stopped sounding like you’re running a template library and started sounding like someone who actually listens.
That’s it.
Here’s what you learned today:
→ Permission infrastructure matters more than message frequency, each follow-up should exist because their behavior earned it, not because your calendar said “send touch 5”
→ Strategic silence is a legitimate strategy. Most coaches kill warm leads by messaging too much, not too little
→ Context accumulation beats template collection. When you reference their exact words and specific situations, you prove you’re having real conversations
Take your most recent “no response” lead and honestly assess - did they give you permission for another message, or are you about to play brute force because you don’t know what else to do?
You’re just playing the brute force game, in a strategic force world.
When every lead feels like a guessing game (follow up or stay silent?), you either harass people who need space, or ignore people who want to hear from you.
Today’s paid member mega-prompt solves this.
Paid members get:
✔ The Brute Force Detector: Paste your current active conversations and get each lead categorized by strategic force readiness
✔ Exact next messages for each lead, or clear instructions to go silent
✔ Your biggest brute force pattern diagnosis… the one thing you’re doing across all conversations that’s killing responses
✔ Your highest-probability convert this week, which lead to focus on and exactly why