Why your most promising leads vanish in the DMs right when it’s getting good
It’s not that they’re not interested. It’s one tiny mistake you don’t even realize you’re making.
"I think I pulled something," Alex groaned, hobbling back to her yoga mat.
After months of avoiding exercise, she'd finally dragged herself to a yoga class. The YouTube description had promised it was "perfect for beginners," but 15 minutes in, the instructor was demonstrating what looked like a human pretzel position.
"For those newer to the practice, feel free to modify," the instructor called out, demonstrating an easier version of the pose.
But Alex didn't modify. She'd paid $30 for this class and was determined to get her money's worth. So she pushed, twisted, and contorted until something in her lower back made a sound no body part should ever make.
As she limped out of class early, the instructor approached her. "I noticed you were really pushing yourself in there."
"Yeah, well, I wanted to keep up," Alex admitted.
"You know," the instructor said gently, "the most advanced with yoga aren't the ones who force themselves into every pose… they're the ones who know when to back off and create a safe space for themselves."
Three days later, still moving with a heating pad as her constant companion, Alex sat down to catch up on her Instagram messages. As she reviewed her recent conversations, she noticed a frustrating pattern.
Many promising exchanges started strong… but suddenly went cold after her third or fourth message. The person would seem genuinely interested, ask questions, and then... ghost.
Complete silence.
It hit her that she might be making the same mistake in her DMs that she made in yoga class – pushing too hard, too fast, without creating safety first.
She'd been so focused on getting to the sales call that she was forcing conversations forward before people felt comfortable. Like forcing herself into that pretzel pose… before her body was ready.
Why 83% of Your DM Conversations Die
We all know the feeling. You get a promising message from someone who seems genuinely interested in your coaching. You exchange a few messages. Things seem to be going well. Then suddenly... nothing.
They disappear like they never existed. You check to make sure your internet is working. (It is) You wonder if they died. (They didn't) Went into witness protection. (Nope again)
This happens to EVERY coach, but most don't talk about it because they think it means they're doing something wrong. The truth? They are doing something wrong – but it's not what they think.
After analyzing hundreds of DM conversations from successful coaches, I discovered something… for most, 83% of promising conversations die before they reach the call-booking stage.
But here's the really interesting part…
In observing WHEN these conversations died, I found a clear pattern:
🔷 24% die after the first exchange (normal and expected)
🔷 41% die after the third or fourth message (the danger zone)
🔷 18% die right after the coach mentions getting on a call
That middle statistic is the killer. Almost half of your potential clients disappear right when the conversation is getting good! But why?
Why People Disappear From Your DMs
When someone suddenly stops responding to your messages, it's usually NOT because:
🔷 They're no longer interested
🔷 They're too busy
🔷 They found someone else
🔷 They're just "tire kickers"
It's usually because they don't feel SAFE continuing the conversation.
Just like Alex in yoga class (or at least what she was supposed to do), when you push people too far too fast, they instinctively protect themselves by pulling back – or in the case of DMs, disappearing completely.
Think about it – have you ever been in a conversation where someone started asking really personal questions too quickly? Or pushed you to make a decision before you were ready? Or subtly made you feel like what you were currently doing is all wrong?
What did you do?
Well… if you're like most people… you found a polite way to exit the conversation.
In real life, that might mean excusing yourself to the bathroom (and then secretly sneaking to your car to leave). Down in the DMs, it means never responding again.
The 4 Safety Killers Lurking in Your Messages
After reviewing tons of DM conversations that died suddenly, I identified 4 specific "safety killers" that appear in almost every failed exchange:
1. Asking deep questions too soon
What it looks like:
🔷"What's your biggest fear around growing your business?" (as your second message) 🔷"Why do you think you've been struggling to get clients?" (before establishing rapport) "
🔷What's holding you back from success?" (too early in the conversation)
Why it kills conversations:
Imagine meeting someone at a networking event and within 5 minutes they ask about your deepest insecurities. You'd probably make an excuse and walk away. The same thing happens in DM convos.
People need to feel connected before they'll share vulnerabilities.
Pushing for deep disclosure too early feels invasive and makes people shut down.
2. Jumping to solutions before understanding
What it looks like:
🔷"You should definitely try reels! They're getting amazing reach right now."
🔷"The problem is you're not posting consistently enough."
🔷"You need a better lead magnet."
Why it kills conversations:
When you offer solutions before fully understanding someone's situation, you send two harmful messages:
"I don't need to truly understand you to help you"
"Your problem is simple and obvious"
Both make people feel unseen and unheard, which kills trust instantly.
3. Making them feel judged for their current approach
What it looks like:
🔷"You’re making the mistake of posting daily… when quality matters more."
🔷"That approach rarely works in today's market."
🔷"The strategy you're using is outdated."
Why it kills conversations:
When you subtly (or not so subtly) criticize someone's current approach, you're attacking their judgment and decisions. Nobody wants to work with someone who makes them feel stupid or wrong.
4. Pushing toward a call before building trust
What it looks like:
🔷"Hey, great connecting! Let's schedule a quick call so I can show you exactly how I can help."
🔷"Sounds like a call would be helpful! Are you free tomorrow morning or afternoon?"
🔷"I'd love to chat about your business goals… can we jump on a quick 15-minute Zoom this week?"
Why it kills conversations:
Asking for a call too early is like asking someone to marry you on the first date. Without sufficient trust, a call request feels like a sales ambush… rather than a helpful next step.
All these moves feel logical and helpful to you, but they feel pushy and unsafe to your prospect.
The Hidden Cost of Unsafe Conversations
Let's do some quick math to show how much these safety mistakes are actually costing you:
Let's say you get 20 new meaningful DM conversations each month
Without proper safety, 83% die before reaching the call stage
That means only about 3-4 reach the call booking stage
With a typical close rate of 30-50% on calls, you end up with 1-2 new clients
Now, let's say you fix your safety issues:
Same 20 new meaningful DM conversations each month
Only 40% die before reaching the call stage
That means 12 reach the call booking stage
With the same 30-50% close rate, you end up with 4-6 new clients
That's a 3-4x increase in clients… without getting a single new lead!
Just by fixing how you handle the leads you already have.
This is why some coaches seem to convert every prospect into a client while others struggle to fill their programs despite… having plenty of followers and DM conversations.
We've all been there.
Someone shows interest in the DMs and then... silence.
Annoying, right?I've gathered my best conversation re-starters in my free DM Conversion Starter Kit. These aren't your typical "just checking in" messages (that you and I both know never work).
These are simple messages that get real replies from people who went quiet.
I'd love to see you turn silent leads into actual conversations this week...
My Dead-Simple 4-Step System for Keeping DM Conversations Alive
Instead of focusing on forcefully moving DM conversations toward a sale call, focus first on creating a space where people feel safe sharing their real challenges:
1. Match their pace
Old approach: Increasing question depth regardless of their response length
New approach: Mirroring their level of disclosure and message length
How to do it:
🔷 If they send short responses, you send short responses
🔷 If they share personal details, you can share personal details
🔷 If they use casual language, you use casual language
🔷 Never escalate intimacy or depth faster than they do
Example:
Them: "I've been trying to grow my account, but I’m not having much luck."
You: "Growth can definitely be challenging. What kinds of things have you been trying so far?" (Matching their brief, casual tone)
2. Validate before advising
Old approach: Pointing out what they're doing wrong
New approach: Confirming the logic of their current approach
How to do it:
🔷 "That approach makes total sense given what you've shared."
🔷 "Many successful people take exactly that approach."
🔷 "I can see why you'd focus there first."
🔷 Always find something positive about their current strategy
Example:
Them: "I've been posting 3 times a week and engaging daily."
You: "That's actually a solid approach - consistent posting and engagement are key fundamentals many people miss. What kind of results have you been seeing from this?" (Validating their current strategy)
3. Ask permission before going deeper
Old approach: Diving into personal or challenging topics without reason.
New approach: Giving the reason you're asking upfront so prospects understand the value behind their vulnerability.
How to do it:
🔷 "What's the biggest challenge you're running into right now?"
Knowing this helps me make sure what we discuss is truly relevant.
🔷 "How have you tried handling this so far?"
Understanding your current process lets me offer more specific ideas.
🔷 "When did you first notice this problem?"
Knowing when it started helps me pinpoint the best approach for you.
Example:
You: "What's been most frustrating about your growth process lately?"
Identifying the exact frustration helps me quickly see what might be am effective solution.
(Giving a reason to encourage openness)
4. Create comfortable call invitations
Old approach: "Let's hop on a call to discuss how I can help you."
New approach: Frame calls as valuable regardless of working together
How to do it:
🔷 "Some of what might help would be easier to explain in conversation rather than typing. If that would be useful to you, I'd be happy to set aside some time."
🔷 "I have some specific thoughts about your situation that would be much more helpful to discuss live. Would that be something you'd find valuable?"
🔷 Always make the call about giving them value, not about selling
Example:
Them: "That's really helpful. I think I need to rethink my content strategy completely."
You: "Happy it resonated! This is honestly a bit complex to fully address in DMs. If you'd find it helpful, I'd be happy to jump on a quick call to walk through some specific approaches for your situation. You'd walk away with clarity, regardless of whether we decide to work together formally. Would that be useful?" (Creating a comfortable call invitation)
The key difference in all these approaches? They maintain the psychological safety of the conversation by keeping {the illusion of} control in the prospect's hands, rather than pushing your agenda.
The 5-Minute Safety Check (Try This Today)
Here's how to immediately transform your approach to DM conversations:
Find a DM conversation that disappeared suddenly
Look at your last message to them and ask:
🔷 Did I push for more depth than they were showing?
🔷 Did I jump to solutions without fully understanding?
🔷 Did I subtly criticize their current approach?
🔷 Did I push for a call before establishing trust?Rewrite that message using the Safety-First Framework:
🔷 Match their level of disclosure and message length
🔷 Validate their current approach before suggesting alternatives
🔷 Ask permission before going deeper
🔷 Make the call invitation comfortable
The Counterintuitive Secret to More Sales Calls
Here's what most coaches get wrong about booking sales calls in the DMs - they think their job is to push prospects toward a decision. But the most successful coaches do the opposite – they create such a safe, inviting space that prospects naturally pull themselves forward.
Think about it like this… imagine you're walking past a store. In scenario A, a pushy salesperson comes out and starts telling you about their products, trying to get you to come inside. In scenario B, you see an inviting, beautifully designed space with friendly staff who smile… but give you space to explore.
Which store are you more likely to enter and eventually buy from?
The same principle applies to your DM conversations. When you push for depth, push for calls, push for decisions, you create resistance. But when you create safety and space, you create a pull towards you and your program.
The people who book calls with you in the DMs aren't necessarily the ones who are most interested in your solutions. They're the ones who feel safest with YOU.
Today’s Mega-Prompt: "DM Conversation Recovery"
It felt like a great conversation… until it wasn’t. The prospect stopped replying, and you’re left guessing what went wrong. Today, you’ll stop guessing… and fix it.
This mega-prompt helps paid members break down 3 ghosted DM conversations, find the hidden safety mistakes that caused the stall, and rewrite their follow-up message using my Safety-First Framework. You’ll get natural re-engagement messages that feel effortless… and give your conversations a second chance, without ever calling out the gap.
Paid members get exclusive access to a mega-prompt that delivers:
✔ A full safety audit of 3 ghosted conversations
✔ Natural re-engagement messages designed to restart dialogue, without pressure
✔ Actionable tips to prevent future conversations from stalling